Living abroad can mean building a new life without ever fully leaving the old one behind. From a Gestalt perspective, the tension between our old home and our new home does not necessarily need to be resolved. Sometimes, both can be true at the same time.
You have built a life somewhere else.
Perhaps you have learned a new language, created new routines, found work, built relationships and slowly become familiar with a place that once felt foreign. You know how things work now. You have changed. Maybe, in many ways, you feel at home.
And yet, there may still be moments when something pulls you back.
A familiar song. The smell of a certain food. A conversation in your mother tongue. A summer evening that suddenly reminds you of the place where you grew up.
For many people living abroad, home is no longer one simple place.
It can become a space somewhere between the old home and the new home.
The Emotional Experience of Living Between Two Cultures
Moving to another country is often described in practical terms: finding a home, learning a language, starting a new job, understanding a different culture.
But psychologically, migration can involve something much deeper.
When we leave one country and build a life in another, we do not simply exchange one home for another. We carry parts of our previous world with us.
Our language.
Our family relationships.
Our traditions.
Our memories.
Our understanding of closeness, friendship and community.
Even the way we express emotions may be connected to the culture in which we grew up.
At the same time, living in a new country changes us.
New experiences become part of our identity. We may develop different values, habits and ways of seeing ourselves. After years abroad, returning to the place we once called home can therefore bring an unexpected realization:
I belong here — but I am not exactly the same person who left.
And when we return to our new country, another feeling may appear:
This is my life now — but part of me still belongs somewhere else.
This experience can create a powerful inner tension.
A Gestalt Perspective: Old Home and New Home as Polarities
In Gestalt theory, we often look at polarities: different parts or positions that exist within the same person.
Strong – vulnerable.
Independent – dependent.
Staying – leaving.
Holding on – letting go.
Old home – new home.
We often believe that we need to choose one side.
Where do I really belong?
Which country is actually my home?
Am I still the person I used to be?
Have I become too different?
But from a Gestalt perspective, psychological growth does not always mean eliminating one side in favour of the other.
Sometimes growth begins when we become able to experience both sides more fully.
I can miss my old home and love the life I have created abroad.
I can feel connected to my culture and have changed through another culture.
I can be grateful that I left and grieve what I lost.
I can belong here and there.
These experiences do not necessarily contradict each other.
They may simply be different parts of the same story.
When “Home” Becomes an Inner Experience
After living abroad for a long time, the question “Where is home?” can become surprisingly difficult.
Perhaps home is where your family lives.
Perhaps it is where you built your career.
Perhaps it is the place where people speak your mother tongue.
Perhaps it is where your partner, children or closest friends are.
Or perhaps home is no longer something that can be located entirely on a map.
From a Gestalt perspective, it can be helpful to become curious about what happens here and now when you think about each place.
What happens in your body when you think about your old home?
What emotions appear?
What do you miss?
And what happens when you imagine your life in your new country?
What have you gained there?
Who have you become?
Instead of immediately searching for an answer, we can stay with the experience.
Sometimes we discover that the conflict is not really between two countries.
It is between two parts of ourselves.
The person we were.
And the person we are becoming.
The Grief We Rarely Talk About
Living abroad can involve a particular kind of grief.
Not necessarily because something terrible happened, but because every major life transition contains both gain and loss.
You may have gained independence, opportunities, relationships or a different future.
At the same time, you may have lost everyday closeness with family, spontaneous conversations with old friends, familiar places or the feeling of understanding the world around you without having to explain yourself.
And sometimes the things we miss no longer exist in the way we remember them.
People change.
Places change.
Families change.
And we change too.
This can explain why returning “home” after many years abroad can feel strangely emotional. We may expect to return to something familiar, only to discover that we ourselves have become different.
There can be sadness in that realization.
But there can also be growth.
You Do Not Have to Choose One Version of Yourself
One of the beautiful possibilities of living between cultures is that identity can become broader rather than divided.
You do not necessarily have to decide:
Am I this person or that person?
Perhaps the more meaningful question is:
How can I make space for both?
In Gestalt work, different parts of ourselves can be explored rather than judged. We can become curious about what each side needs and what each side protects.
Maybe the part connected to your old home carries belonging, family, language and history.
Maybe the part connected to your new home carries independence, possibility, freedom and the person you have become.
Neither needs to disappear.
Integration does not mean becoming one perfectly consistent version of yourself.
It can mean allowing seemingly opposite experiences to exist together.
A Small Gestalt Reflection
If you are living abroad or between cultures, take a moment and imagine two sides of yourself.
One represents your old home.
The other represents your new home.
Ask the first side:
What do you want me to remember?
Then ask the second:
What are you inviting me to become?
Notice what comes up.
You do not need to find the perfect answer.
Gestalt is not always about immediately solving an inner conflict. Sometimes awareness itself creates movement.
And perhaps belonging does not require choosing between two homes.
Perhaps, over time, we learn to carry both.
Living Abroad and Looking for Support?
If you are navigating questions of belonging, identity, relationships or major life transitions while living abroad, Gestalt-oriented counselling can offer a space to explore these experiences with curiosity and awareness.
Sometimes it is particularly meaningful to speak in the language in which certain emotions, memories and parts of ourselves feel most at home.
You are welcome to contact me to learn more about my online one-to-one sessions in German, English and Croatian/Bosnian/Serbian.
Sunčica Monika Gaim